The woke war on excellence: how elite Universities are making us THICKER.

Do you remember the good old days, when working hard and applying your talents got results? Do you remember the now controversial idea, of merit, of accountability, of aspiration, of success? Welcome to the clown world of 2025, and supposedly the two finest universities in the land, Oxford and Cambridge, who seem to spend most of their time apologising for Britain and its past, glorifying Middle Eastern terrorism and cancelling free speech. Their latest brainwave is to consider moving away from traditional exams, in order to close an achievement gap between students from different backgrounds. The groups targeted by this insane and regressive policy, which will see standards at these so-called elite universities fall further, are those from minority groups and poor backgrounds. How patronising.

Perhaps I could quote Britain's strictest headteacher Katharine Birbalsingh who responded to this news on X by saying “black and brown people cannot achieve, unless we make exams easier? Is that because we are all stupid? Is that why?” She goes on: “can we not see how racist these policies and assumptions are? Utterly revolting racism” she says. Meanwhile the brilliant comedy writer and broadcaster Andrew Doyle, a regular on The Mark Dolan Show, took to X himself to say “yet again racial minorities are being patronised by the authorities at Oxford and Cambridge. More racist policies, in the name of progress”. And in his latest peace for Substack, he's entitled his essay: “the soft bigotry of low expectations”. If that essay was submitted as a piece of work to Oxbridge professors, they would no doubt hate it, because it doesn't subscribe to their woke world view that somehow merit should make way for politically correct box-ticking.

Now it could be that there is an attainment gap at Oxford and Cambridge University, because some of the students are brighter than others, or harder working, or a combination of the two. Go figure. But is this gap a consequence of these elite universities loosening their grade requirements for admission in order to increase representation, rather doing than what these institutions have been famous for doing for over 800 years, which is the pursuit of excellence? Full disclosure, I was never good enough for Oxford or Cambridge myself. I wouldn't have met the academic standards required, and if some mad political ideology had allowed me in because I’m a “victim” or something, I would have struggled. What then? Well it's quite clear from this policy that whilst in the old days, if a student at Oxford or Cambridge struggled, they would ultimately leave without a degree. Now they may get to do exams under what's called “open book” conditions, which means they can basically go into the exam with the books that have the answers. Not to mention the ridiculous idea of “take-home papers”, where they do the exam at home.

Has it not occurred to the so-called intellectual geniuses that run these courses that when students get home with an exam paper, they might just tap into the resources of the internet, and the AI genius of chat GPT, a website that will create the perfect answer to any question? There's a back end consequence to all of this nonsense: a thicker, less skilled nation. Britain has been a global leader in business, manufacturing, diplomacy, art, culture, science, engineering and much besides, thanks to rigorous, excellent universities like Oxford and Cambridge. The danger now is that someone like Charles Darwin, who invented the theory of evolution might these days not even get INTO a university like Oxford or Cambridge, because he doesn't tick enough boxes; his space taken by someone that needs to be given easier exams. That’s fair is it? In the name of “progress”, apparently it is…

Is it too much to ask for these universities to simply take the best people and test them properly? And is it lost on these woke dusty academics that to gerrymander either the admissions process or exams is unfair, unethical and a profound insult to minority groups, all whilst demonstrating their own deep-seated prejudice. Britain is a successful, diverse society and we should expect the best for ALL of our youngsters, not provide unfair assistance to one group over another, based upon something beyond their control like skin colour, sexual orientation, gender identity, hair colour or some other bollocks. The problem is that universities like Oxford and Cambridge aren't about excellence any more. Too many of the tutors are political activists, guest speakers get cancelled because they might say something the students find uncomfortable - such as the truth – and large numbers of talented A-level students don't get into these universities, because they don’t have the correct “protected characteristics”. They don’t even get to the entrance exam.

Oxford and Cambridge are looking at something called “inclusive assessments”, a more “comfortable and nurturing environment”, rather than an unseen test or exam. This is an effort to close the grades gap. Well I know how you close the grades gap: you make sure that all of the students getting into that university are good enough, and monitor them closely throughout their undergraduate years - support them of course - but if they're not good enough, get rid. Because I don't fancy being treated by a brain surgeon that's been to Cambridge, who didn't do proper exams as they chop my head open, and I don't fancy being flown at 38,000 feet by an Oxford educated airline pilot, who never had to sit a serious exam and could steal all the answers off the internet. It's ironic that Oxford are Cambridge, who on this occasion are guilty of severe dumbing down, don't “dumb down” with their prices, with these venerated institutions charging top dollar to welcome undergraduates. But what are those undergraduates paying for? An increasingly mediocre product. I don't care about your background actually. If you're not good enough for Oxford, you shouldn't be there, just like I wasn't. And exams should be terrifying and uncomfortable, just like life. Let me tell you I went to Edinburgh University, where I thrived. Not just in those lecture halls, or in the student theatre, but most importantly in the watering holes of that great city. I got a double first in drinking and socialising and I wouldn't change a thing. But would I have survived three minutes at Oxford? No chance. And that's fine by me.

These academics are so insane and so detached from reality, that they are now framing traditional exams as and I quote “a threat to self-worth”. Not really. An exam is the best and most trusted way of finding out what is inside someone's head. It is a bulletproof test OF you self-worth and always was. With an exam, you don't know its contents before you open the paper, you complete the exam under controlled conditions, with invigilators present (so you can't cheat), and it is marked by a neutral, third-party. But the woke left driving these policies hate high standards, they hate accountability, they hate the truth. They just wants to infantilise everyone, and perpetuate class, income, racial and cultural division, rather than providing an elite education. If students from certain backgrounds - or disadvantaged young people - are struggling at university, they should have the support they need. And a load of it. But at the end of the day, an exam is an exam. Everyone's got to go through it. And if we wrap these people in cotton wool, God help them when they enter the real world and find there is no such protection.

The facts don't care about your feelings, and in the real world, if you're not up to it, there's nowhere to hide. The university of life, will give you a big fat fail.